Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The Ultimate Footballer has MESSI's left foot

It's the silly season before the World Cup. Anything goes. Especially when it comes to advertisement. I've seen PALERMO scoring from one building to another for Gillette. I've seen stupid fans leave in the middle of a match because their mobile phone doesn't work just to go shopping at Garbarino (a store where you buy electronics in Argentina). I've seen idiotic celebrities like hair-dresser Roberto GIORDANO in moronic campaigns, but this is the latest I've seen and even if I don't take it seriously, I quite like it.
Especially because it lets us play with it.

First, let me explain what it is so then I'll pitch you my ideas for all of us to play around a bit.
Castrol has launched (with Sven Goran ERIKSSON as a guest) what they call THE ULTIMATE FOOTBALLER. It's a fictional character, of course, containing parts of famous players. Features that are unique to world-class footballers are put together to form a freakish figure that supposedly would have a market price of 450 million US Dollars if it was an existing player.

So let's check the Ultimate Footballer's body parts:

HAIR: Carles PUYOL. You can't deny it. Like it or not, it's a trade-mark.

HEIGHT: Peter CROUCH. Why not Emiliano PAPA?

EYES: XAVI. Not because they're hazel or green or blue. They represent XAVI's vision. So far...the best pick from Castrol.
CHIN: Paolo MALDINI. Well...why not choosing EUSEBIO's or PELE's or any other retired player. The reason Castrol gave to pick him here? His endurance and his 647 matches played for AC Milan.
CHEST: Michael BALLACK. Because supposedly he ran a lot during the Euro 2008. The equivalent of 80 laps around the Allianz Arena. He ran more than 68km.

ARMS: Rory DELAP. Why didn't they give him the ears? In case you don't know, this is a guy who plays for Stoke and has the ability to send throw-ins into the box.

HANDS: Julio CESAR. No need to say anything here. Another good pick.

LEGS: Cristiano RONALDO. I suppose. Yes.
LEFT FOOT: Lionel MESSI. Here's an interesting bit. Castrol says: "In an average game, Argentine forward MESSI makes between 1000 and 1500 twists and turns. His ability to move into space and score spectacular goals is unsurpassed - hitting 28 left-footed goals in the past two seasons, more than any other left-footed player in La Liga".

RIGHT FOOT: Thierry HENRY. Don't they mean LEFT HAND????

There you have it. The Ultimate Footballer.
Now here's my idea. Why don't you come up with The Ultimate Argentine Footballer?

And then...to have a laugh: The Ultimate Worst Argentine Footballer?

The only rule? You're not allowed to say: "GABRIEL HEINZE's COMPLETE BODY" in this last one! You have to work hard and pick only one feature from HEINZE! hahaha!

Can't wait for your inputs.


Sam Kelly said...

Gabriel Heinze's nervous system.

As far as the chin is concerned... the CHIN?! If you're going to bring up the subject of footballer's chins, there's only one player current or past who deserves to be mentioned and that's Jimmy Hill. Not that you'd catch anyone putting him in an advert of course.

King Aguero said...

Hair: Claudio Caniggia
Height: Julio Cruz
Eyes: Juan Sebastian Veron
Chin: Javier Zanetti
Chest: Juan Sorin
Arms: Ubaldo Fillol
Hands: Carlos Roa
Legs: Gabriel Batistuta
Left Foot: Diego Maradona
Right Foot: Juan Roman Riquelme

totti said...

HAIR: Sorin
HEIGHT: Martin Palermo
EYES: Riquelme
CHIN: Zanetti
CHEST: Heinze
ARMS: Fillol
LEGS: Batistuta
RIGHT FOOT: Batistuta

Forza_albicelestes said...

HAIR: Cannigia
HEIGHT: Franco DI Santo
EYES: Maradona
CHIN: Zanetti
CHEST: Mascherano
ARMS: Fillol
HANDS: Goycochea
LEGS: Batistuta
LEFT FOOT: Maradona
RIGHT FOOT: Batistuta

Anonymous said...

From my point of view i think this is all almost wrong: i quiet don't understand why they didn't include Batistuta's beautiful face for the ladies fans!!!! :Y la hinchada femenina????????????????????????

GK said...

If Castrol used players from the past how can the hair of Puyol get the edge over the hair of Carlos Valderama? His afro was amazing!

johnny said...

Thierry Henry ??!! No right foot, left foot or middle foot.

Sebastian said...

More about the media biased with PALERMO?

Check out this feature from Clarín (the best-selling newspaper in Argentina).


It's in Spanish. Yes. But I think it's pretty straight forward. Not hard to understand.

Basically is a list of 30 players with a score for each attribute (kind of like any video game) and an average for each one.

There are some attributes (the top 3) that are common to the 30 players and the bottom three are specific for the position each footballer plays.

Please...check out the average score for our forwards and see for yourselves.

I don't want to spoil all the fun for you, but just in case you miss the irony there, PALERMO is our 2nd best forward alive!

According to this very flashy tool, his average is better than that of Gonzalo HIGUAIN, Carlos TEVEZ, Diego MILITO, Ezequiel LAVEZZI, Kun AGÜERO and Lisandro LOPEZ.

Of course some people buys this kind of wicked press operation.

'Disgusted' is the word that best describes my current state.

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Anonymous said...

In case you don't know, this is a guy who plays for Stoke and has the ability to send throw-ins into the box.Agen Judi